Ghost Hunting For Beginners

I did something fun last weekend, and I want to talk about it. But, I don’t feel very funny today, so now I’m sitting on my couch eating black bean burgers I smothered in yogurt. The things we do during tough times..

No, I’m not a vegetarian. No, I don’t know why I bolded “black bean”.

Ok I’m fed up with this introduction, so now I’ll just get to the ghost hunting. But first, I need a spoonful of Nutella…

I believe in ghosts about as much as I believe in my great uncle Larry, a more than likely fictional, multi-millionaire who one day plans to pass on his fortune 500 company to me. By this, I mean two say two things:

(a) If ghosts and Uncle Larry do exist, then they are really good at evading my efforts to contact them, and I’m a bit insulted.

(b) If ghosts and Uncle Larry don’t exist, then it’s time for me to grow up because these child-like fantasies are not at all healthy.

Last Saturday, I drove my cousin and myself to my step-sisters’s home. Her house is, allegedly, very haunted. It has been verified that one very unintentional homicide and one very intentional suicide took place there years ago, prior to her moving in as a young girl. The most common reports of haunted activity consist of: cabinets opening and closing (the cabinets have since been removed), a little girl’s laughter (mainly in the middle bedroom but also underwater in the pool), footsteps throughout the house, a vision of a man in the hall, and a figure in the small bedroom.

Now, I love ghost stories. I love telling them; I love hearing them. I want life to have mysteries that need solving, and I like letting my imagination run. But, even I can’t help but become skeptical when I hear stories like this.

The only sensible thing to do then was to investigate the house myself. Here is a step-by-step account of my first ghost hunt.

This is just the intro to Fargo.
Just Kidding. This is the intro to “Fargo”.

1) Every great ghost hunter knows that the most effective ghost hunting gadgets can be found for free on the App Store. Search for “ghost detect”. I downloaded Ghost Radar: Classic. The 3 1/2 star rating means it’s good. Also, it was created by the company Spud Pickles. I was sold!

2) We arrived at the house to the smells of a delicious nacho dinner being prepared. I’ve never eaten nachos for dinner (is that weird?), but I loved it!

3) Every great ghost hunter knows that wine makes you more in tune with the spirit world. Or, at least that’s what it felt like after my third glass.

4) Any ghost hunter who has watched Ghost Adventures knows that ghosts don’t come out unless it’s so dark in the room that it’s impossible to see them anyway. Luckily, this app included night vision that utilized the phone’s flashlight, rendering it entirely pointless.

5) Kid ghosts like toys. We placed some chalk and coins around the house. Then, we decided to turn on the app to see if any activity was happening in the den. Here were some of the results from Ghost Radar Classic:

If that red download circle doesn’t make this look official, then nothing will.

There are no instructions included with the app. Different colored dots would randomly appear at no particular pattern. We decided these were ghosts moving around. I’ve still got no clue what the numbers mean.

6) I had read an article on using Tarot to speak to ghosts, which made me an expert. We lit a candle to help communicate via yes or no answers. We asked questions, and I had to determine if the flame was flickering yes or not. I pretty much made up every answer, but don’t tell them that.

7) We checked on the chalk and pennies. We got excited when we thought that the pennies had shifted, but then realized that my cousin just didn’t have his glasses on when he positioned them “equal distances apart”.

8) We went to a few of the rooms to get more data. The door to one of the rooms kept closing by itself. It was clearly an issue with the foundation, but the others were convinced it was supernatural. I let them have a victory.

9) In the farthest bedroom, blue dots kept appearing directly where my  step-sister was sitting. I loved watching her freak. Until the two dogs came charging into the room and barking wildly for no reason. Lucy, the german shephard, started attacking pillows where the app said the ghost was. Between that, and the words “appear” and “Andy” (the name of the man that died) appearing on the screen, I could no longer control my laughter at the looks of utter terror on my cousin and sister’s faces. Good times.

10) Nothing else of real significance occurred the rest of the night. I wish I could say I had acquired any real evidence of ghostly activity, but I’m pretty sure the spirits must really have just hated my cousin’s presence.

If you ever decide to hunt ghosts yourself, then you’ve learned one very important thing today. Don’t be cheap like me; invest a dollar on an app. 

If you have any ghost stories, I want to to hear them!


4 thoughts on “Ghost Hunting For Beginners”

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