The time Bran almost Ruined my life

My six month anniversary at my new job is quickly approaching! And the fact that I still have no complaints amazes me.

After all. I am irrevocably hard to please.

—Can I just address the fact that I tried to spell irrevocably as irrocably?

I’m finally back to using my college degree and my massage therapy certification, and it’s been very rewarding. But, not nearly as rewarding as the benefits I get through my job. Free Massages ERRYDAY… I wish.

Actually we do get a small stipend every quarter to spend on our services. I decided to use mine to meet with our Functional Nutritionist. She determines how nutrition affects our functioning. My real interest in nutrition stems from my UTTER SUFFERING from Seborrheic Dermatitis. The theory is that yeast overgrowth causes all kinds of sexy effects like big red, burning patches of skin right next to your nose and flaking skin anywhere that oil glands are super active. Which means everywhere. But no one really knows the cause. Kind of like fibromyalgia–except I don’t think that’s a real disorder, shh.

So anyway, I made an appointment so we could investigate what foods my body hates. But, only after taking out a liter of my blood for analysis. Ok, not really a liter, I just don’t enjoy having my blood drawn.

It gives me a weird tingling feeling in my butt. Always has.

Two weeks after my appointment, I got the results of the food sensitivity test. I was given a list of 25 foods that my body sees as threats. Awesome. Each food had either 1, 2 or 3 stars next to it. I was told to limit my intake of all 1 star foods and completely eliminate all 2 and 3 star foods. Done. If I wanted to wake up, look into the mirror and see Lupita Nyong’o’s flawless skin reflected back, these were the sacrifices I needed to make. Plus it’d be nice to not bloat anymore. Fucking Bloating.

Here are the foods and ingredients I cannot eat anymore because my body spites me.

Barley – Well Goodbye Guinness Stout! 😡

Basil– I didn’t even realize for the first few weeks of my new diet that pesto was made with basil. Who knew?

All dairy- It turns out I can still have feta, phew.

Egg Yolk- Eggs are not nearly as delicious looking when poured from a box.

Grapes, Lemon Juice, Mushrooms, Onions, Turkey, Walnuts, Peanuts- I don’t even know how to respond.

and Finally- Bran, Gluten, Wheat, Rye, and Brewers and Bakers Yeast. – You might as well just stab me.

And so began my new lifestyle. Except I had a huge problem. I had no issues giving up gluten, yeast, and wheat. It was the Damn Bran. After buying oatmeal and brown rice and quinoa and thinking I was so clever because I had so many choices for meals, I suddenly realized  that all of these foods had bran. Bran Bran Bran. After disposing of my mistake, aka eating it all anyway, I returned to the store confused as to what to buy. I quickly realized that anything made from corn flour or corn bran was my only alternative. SO much corn. Unfortunately I just realized that corn is a food I’m supposed to limit to only twice a week. Fortunately, I’m an idiot and our functional nutritionist informed me after my much bitching that it is WHEAT bran that I’m not supposed to eat. I can have all the others. What a relief. Because no person should ever have to eat that much corn.

Hopefully after six months of this torture wondrous committal to healthy living, I can reintroduce some foods back into my diet and see how my body reacts to them. Although I’ll probably try and limit the yeast forever. Hello Lupita.


5 thoughts on “The time Bran almost Ruined my life”

  1. Dude how are you going to live without grapes though? That’s like …. no one should have to endure that. Barley however, you weirdo why do you like that stuff? gross. Also basil out of all things 😐

    1. Haha the grapes was a bit of a let down. I mean, No Wine?? And haha I love my Guiness. Don’t know why. Maybe it’s a dude thing. Thanks for checking out my posts! I look forward to reading yours.

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