How I Survived the Polar Vortex

I’m repeatedly told that this has been the worst winter in Chicago ever. EVER. EVERRRRR.
Lucky fucking me. Go figure.

I’m just a poor boy from Virginia Beach, with only two pairs of knee high, wool socks to his name. I was just not prepared for the last few months at all. My vitamin D levels are in critical state. I no longer groom myself. I’m surprised I hadn’t tried to drown myself in the Lake by this point. Not that I could anyway. That sucker has been frozen solid. I hear that the likelihood of it being warm enough to swim in by this summer is slim at best. Although, I’ve been warned against swimming in it anyway.

As if that stopped me last year…So what if I grow an extra hand from my armpit. I like to swim. Sue me. I’ll make it work somehow.

Seriously though, this winter was really rough. I’ve decided to purchase one of those NASA sun lamps for the next one. The only thing that kept me sane over the last 4 months was Buffy.

Yes Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You may now judge me just as all of my patients do when I tell them that. (Oh yea, I have a grown up job again, tada.) Is Buffy an odd show for a 23 year old boy to turn to in a time of crisis? Maybe. But I don’t care because Sarah Michelle Gellar did for me what she does best– she saved me.

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BECAUSE NOTHING IS SCARIER THAN A SLAYER WITH A ROCKET LAUNCHER.

I learned a lot from my time spent with her and her crew, the Scoobies.

I learned about love and friendship and that as long as you’re young and beautiful, people will continue to flock to you even though piles of dead bodies seem to show up wherever you are.

I learned to not fear death because you have to die at least three times before it’s permanent. That’s a relief. Oops SPOILER alert.

I learned that after high school, things really do continue to spiral horribly downward until you finally pass your early 20s.

I began to really appreciate all of this new wisdom from my new friends. Whenever I found myself losing clarity this winter, I would simply ask myself, “What would Buffy do?”

Should I eat this entire box of Fruity Pebbles for breakfast? Yes. Obviously. Buffy would need the carbs to fight demons. Plus they’re delicious.

Now that I’m reflecting, I’m realizing that I’ve been a lazy ass. I spent four months watching HULU and scrapbooking. SCRAPBOOKING. What I do is cut out and collage everything I like from a magazine so that I can have a nice binder to look through one day but most likely I never will. This way the magazines don’t go to waste. There’s some nice stuff in there. Besides, it brings me joy. The problem is I can’t get through the damn magazines fast enough. I dissect one and three more have already been mailed to my house back in Virginia. The subscriptions ended THREE YEARS AGO. A part of me wants to call the companies to let them know, but who does that? The magazines deserve a good home.

I’m such a martyr that way. You know?

Man, I rock.

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