A few months ago, on an unfortunately all-too-common sluggish Tuesday morning, my coworker and I sat alone in the employee lounge of the day spa we worked at in Downtown Chicago. The name of this spa from this point on shall be: It-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named because I’m scared that if I say the actual name all my protective enchantments will wear off, and a barn owl will fly into my apartment through my toilet and deliver me a threatening letter from the owner of the spa — who shall also never be named. For those of you who read Harry Potter, you understand. For those of you who didn’t, go read it.
Anyways, it was on this day that I decided it would be a fun idea to call up my old pal Carl Jung and have him perform personality tests on my coworker and me. Cuz we tight like dat. After I successfully answered all of his questions, I perused over my results and discovered that I am in fact the perfect balance of an introvert and an extrovert. I know this because there was this bar thingy with the word “introvert” at one end and the word “extrovert” at the other and my notch sat right in the middle. With this new found wisdom, my life suddenly became so much clearer. I understood why I enjoyed being alone so much but could have an equally good time if I was persuaded to go out (although most times I would choose the former). I had always thought that you had to be one or the other, but this just isn’t so. I was balanced.
Then I switched jobs, switched apartments, switched neighborhoods, my only close friend in Chicago moved back to Virginia, and a new friend that I had begun getting closer to moved to Texas (all on the same day). Not to mention I was dealing with personal problems that were turning me into an emotional mess.
That’s the thing, I’m not used to being emotional. I’m not used to craving being around people and needing to be entertained by others. The Philip in Virginia could sit at home by himself blogging on his computer for hours, days even, and not think twice. But the Philip out here needed comfort and entertainment and constant fun, and I was constantly looking for the growth that I was searching for when I left Virginia. My mind would go a million different directions if I sat alone for too long. I quickly found myself doing less of the things that would have easily fulfilled me just six months prior. I imagine that if I had taken that same personality test during this time, the notch would have been about a mile closer to the “extrovert” side.
In short, I didn’t understand what was happening to me. My friends and family tried to explain that I was giving myself too hard of a time. That I was expecting too much for myself in too short of a time and that if I stopped putting so much pressure on myself for my life to be perfect, then I would finally feel like me again. I understood, but it was hard to shake off this sudden abundance of feelings.
About two months later, I realized that they were right.
I want to be able to end this post by sharing some monumental, existential epiphany that I underwent. But that didn’t happen. I ended up drinking a few too many beers, laughed with myself at funny youtube videos and re bonded with myself. I was so focused on trying to change so much when I moved to Chicago, that I had to remind myself of that there were a lot of parts of me that were very happy when I lived in Virginia.
I’m happy to say that I finally feel like myself again. I’m also happy to say that this is probably the most personal I get with people, so soak it up and relish the taste, because it will most likely not happen again for awhile.